Letter
Dear Joe,
Just call me Dante, I’m 23 years old and working as a computer programmer in a government office. I have been reading almost all of your articles in Libre, and I admire the way you analyze, comment and suggest solutions to even the worse cases. These are the reasons why I decided to share my problem with you, hoping and knowing that you would be able to help me choose the right path.
Joe, Trish and I have been together for more than 3 years. Our first year was challenging because I was so demanding and possessive at that time. Fortunately, we were able to survive it and I managed to change my attitude. We began to share our plans and promised to commit ourselves to each other. In the following year, the tables were turned and she was the one who became immature and selfish. It didn’t bother me and it actually kept me stronger. Trish has been with me through almost all of the significant things that happened in my life. We have become so intimate that the only thing lacking between us is our official marriage vows. Both our families are so happy for us and consider us to be such a perfect couple.
But Joe, during the last year of our “fairy tale”, problems and challenges became more intense to the point of making it really dangerous. We began to argue about my time, responsibility to my family, my work, jealousy for my friends, even little things dug up from the past. We were already hurting each other both verbally and physically. I concentrated more on my work and family and I began to find happiness with my friends and other things. I made myself busy just to forget the pain I was feeling inside. Joe, that made Trish more problematic. She pushed me to the very last strand of my patience. My mind and my heart began to challenge each other by asking me to decide whether I should continue to fight for her or let her go.
Unfortunately, I decided that we needed some space to think things over. I thought that it was the best solution to save our relationship. She never gave up on me but I made a stupid mistake Joe. I made up this story of a non-existent girl just to convince her and make her agree with my initial suggestion, although I assured her that I still loved her and would go back to her someday. We did not communicate for two months after which she told me that she already had a new boyfriend who saved her from depression. It felt like a bomb exploded on my face. Joe, I will not deny that I thought of taking her back. It was during her absence when I discovered that she was truly the light of my life, the source of my happiness. Up to now, I am convincing her to come back. I even told her that I will never give up until she tells me that she doesn’t love me anymore and even if she does, I will wait for her forever. Joe I really want and need her. Should I continue to win her back or just let go? I am so depressed for making one of the biggest mistakes in my life. Thank you so much Joe and more power to Lovenotes. God Bless you always.
Sincerely yours,
Dante
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Joe's Advice
Dear Dante,
Dante, it is true that we realize how important a person is only when she’s gone. There are many moments in a relationship when we are driven to compete with our partners. Family, work and friends usually become the center of sensitive jealousy issues. We start to argue about how much time is spent on our relationships. We begin to selfishly demand for time that we sometimes have so little of.
Most people can only argue on how important spending time with one another is. Physical presence is very important in a relationship but in this very demanding and challenging world, it pays to be very understanding and flexible with our demands. Dante, you can spend the whole day with someone but be emotionally away from her. You could also spend just a few minutes with that person and yet make her feel so loved and important. The truth of the matter is that it is not really a question of how much time we spend with the people we love but the quality of time that we spend with them. It is not the amount of time we put into loving someone but the amount of love we put into the time that we spend with that person.
When we are challenged in our relationship, we are always tempted to run away just to prove our point, satisfy our ego and hurt the people who love us. Dante, you have hurt your girlfriend well enough for her to consider seeking shelter in someone else’s arms. Competition and jealousy are like poisons that kill a relationship. Sometimes we find out how devastating they are only when it is too late.
If she truly doesn’t love you anymore then maybe, it wouldn’t do you much good to push yourself too hard. You would just probably be annoying her and make her hate you more. Dante, just remember that no matter how true our intentions are, it is how we show it that people see and react to. It is only when we try to be transparent in our relationships that people learn to understand why we act the way we do and begin to accept us for just being ourselves.
Light of my day
Echoes of the heart
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